[Scene #16]
Mia : Sarah's waiting for you.
Harry : Oh, yes, of course, erm...Great, er, good, good.
How are you doing, Mia?
You s ettling in fine? Learning who to avoid?
Mia : Absolutely.
Sarah : Harry?
Harry : Sarah, switch off your phone and tell me exactly how long it is that you've been working here.
Sarah : Two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, what, two hours?
Harry : And how long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer?
Sarah : Um... Two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, an hour and 30 minutes.
Harry : Thought as much.
Sarah : Do you think everybody knows?
Harry : Yes.
Sarah : Do you think Karl knows?
Harry : Yes.
Sarah : Oh,that is... that is bad news.
Harry : Why is it so.. thought that maybe the time had come to do something about it.
Sarah : Like what?
Harry : Invite him out for a drink then after about 20 minutes, casually drop in to the conversation the fact that
you'd like to marry him and have lots of sex and babies.
Sarah : You know that?
Harry : Yes. And so does Karl. Think about it, for all our sakes. It's Christmas.
Sarah : Certainly. Excellent. Will do. Thanks, boss.
(Sarah goes out and Karl come into Harry's office)
Karl : Hi, Sarah.
Sarah : Hi, Karl.
Kark : Excuse me.
(Phone calls)
Sarah : Babe. Absolutely, fire away.
(noisy "Christmas is all around" carol from radio)
Sarah : Mia, Mia, would you turn that down? What is that?
[Scene #17]
DJ:
That was the Christmas effort from the once great Billy Mack.
Oh, dear me, how are the mighty fallen. I can safely put my hand up my arse and say that is the worst record I've heard this century...
Oh, and coincidentally, I believe Billy will be a guest on my friend Mike's show in a few minutes' time.
Welcome back, Bill.
Mikey : So Billy, welcome back to the airwaves. New Christmas single, cover of Love Is All Around.
Billy : Except we've changed the word "love" to "Christmas".
Mikey : Yes, is that an important message to you, Bill?
Billy : Not really, Mike. Christmas is a time for people with someone they love in their lives.
Mikey : And that's not you?
Billy : That's not me, Michael. When I was young and successful, I was greedy and foolish and now I'm left
with no one, wrinkled and alone.
Mikey : Wow. Thanks for that, Bill.
Billy : For what?
Mikey : For actually giving a real answer to a question. It doesn't often happen here at Radio Watford, I can
tell you.
Billy : Ask me anything, I'll tell you the truth.
Mikey : Best shag you ever had?
Billy : Britney Spears.
Joe : Wow.
Billy : No, only kidding! She was rubbish.
Mikey : OK, here's one. How do you think the new record compares to your old, classic stuff?
Billy : Come on, Mikey, you know as well as I do the record's crap. But wouldn't it be great if number one
this Christmas wasn't some smug teenager but an old ex-heroin addict searching for a comeback at
any price?
All those young popsters, come Christmas day, they'll be strectched out naked with a cute bird
balancing on their balls and I'll be stuck in some dingy flat with me manager Joe, ugliest man in the
world, fucking miserable because our fucking gamble didn't pay off. So if you believe in Father
Christmas, children, like your Uncle Billy does, buy my festering turd of a record. And particularly
enjoy the incredible crassness of the moment we try to squeeze an extra syllable into the fourth line.
Mikey : I think you're referring to "If you really love Christmas..."
Billy : " Come on and let it snow." Ouch.
Mikey : So, here it is one more time, the dark horse for this year's Christmas number one, Christmas Is All
Around. Thank you, Billy. After this, the news. Is the new prime minister in trouble already?
