영어 잘 하시는분들, 제 비루한 영작좀 봐주시겠어요?

[...]

정말 비루해서 올리기가 부끄럽습니다만;;
과제인데, 맞게 쓴건지 잘 모르겠네요
틀린곳이 있다면 좀 알려주심 감사하겠어요 ^^

   One of the new life style, cohabitation is rational manner. It has many merits.
       First, cohabitation is economically helpful. For single people one of the biggest burden is a house rent. If you cohabitation and co-pay it, you can save extra money. Another living expenses, like taxes, foods, also can be shared.
   Another advantage is that you are able to get information about your partner. You can see partner's more detail privacies, which haven't be revealed at date, by cohabitation. For example, bad habit like snoring, sleep talking and characteristic will be known by cohabitation. This is important advantage. Most divorced couple's reason of separation is the character difference. Cohabitation may be a good solution to reduce these differences.
   Also cohabitation can be more free than marrying system. Korean marriage procedures are complex, and costs are expensive. cohabitation doesn't need these things. paterfamilias is primary in korean traditional families. This is social atmosphere often cause sexual discrimination. One of the other side, spontaneous cohabitation intent equal and democratic relations.
   As we discussed, cohabitation has many strong points comparing traditional marriage. At modern society, existing marrying has some limits and problems. This is the reason that we remark cohabitation.

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There are many positive aspects of cohabitation, a common practice in recent years.

One of the biggest advantages of cohabitation is in terms of economics. All the financial burdens are shared. General living expenses, like rent, utilities, food and taxes will be shared between two people and therefore will be significantly cost effective.

Another advantage is that cohabitation can possibly reduce the chances of a divorce once married. Getting to know your partners' negative side or sides, that only come out when living together, will be very helpful in determining whether one would be able to spend the rest of ones' life together or not.

Finally, Korea's history and traditions dictate a pater familias system, which has forced the traditional Korean woman to be inferior to the traditional Korean man, thus resulting in open sexual discrimination. Cohabitation is a system that may bring both genders to be equal by doing away with all the strict traditions.

In today's changing times, cohabitation has very positive traits that traditional marriages do not have.
These are the reasons we commend cohabitation.

[-_-]

乃 !!

[음]

^^님은 글을 새로 써주셨네요 첨삭이 아니라...어떤 종류의 과제인지 모르지만 원글님 수준이 아니라면
나중에 문제가 될 수도 있지 않을까 걱정이 되어 한마디 달고 갑니다.
^^님글의 표현만 참고하시고 원글님 글 뼈대는 그대로 두시길...

[근데,]

음님의 말도 맞긴한데요...저는 원글님 말 보면 잘 이해가 안가는데요, 새로 고쳐주신거 보면 한눈에 문장이 보여요.
제가 네이티브가 아니여서 문장의 늬앙스나 이런건 확실히 안다고 할 수 없지만.
한번 내시고 말거면, 고쳐주신걸로 쓰는게 맞는것 같아요.

[...]

저도 원글님 글 읽으면서 음... 뭐지? 하고 두 세번 읽었다는... :) 리플 달아주신 님이 너무 감사하네요(왜 제가 감사한지...;)